The things they say…

We offer £20 shopping vouchers for the senders of the best anecdotes and jokes in each issue. Email them to the editor, Paul Liptrot, at editor@call-centre-europe.com. You can also fax to 01932 240294. We always respect requests for anonymity – but we’ll need your name and address for the gift vouchers!

LUNCH TIMED

The visitor, from a country with stricter laws, was being shown around the factory by the managing director. When the lunch whistle sounded, 2,000 men and women stopped work and left the building.

Visitor: “Your workers, they’re escaping! You’ve got to stop them.”

MD: “Don’t worry, they’ll be back.

And, when the whistle sounded exactly an hour later, everyone returned from their break.

MD, after the tour: “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”

Visitor: “Forget the machines. How much do you want for that whistle?”

Name and address supplied

LETTER LANGUAGE

In a survey of 300-plus company directors, nearly all said acronyms and “initialisms” have confused them and three-quarters believe there are too many.

Here are some examples:

ABM Another Bloody Meeting

AZB Assume Zero Budget

BUM Business Unit Manager

DREAM Don’t Really Expect Any Money

FAC F------ Awkward Client

FLK Funny Looking Kid)

FLKw/GLM Funny Looking Kid with Good-Looking Mother

GDA Gonna Die Anyway

GITS Global IT Simplification),

HMF Hysterical Mother Figure

LOMBARD Lots of Money But A Right D---

NIMTO Not In My Term of Office

SNT Stuff’s Not There

SPOC Single Point of Contact)

TLA Three Letter Acronym

TUBE Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

Helen Glanville

The Aziz Corporation

MISCELLANY

Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”

Tech support: “Windows costs about £100.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s expensive. Can I buy just one window?”

Science graduate: “Why does it work?”

Engineering graduate: “How does it work?”

Accounting graduate: “How much will it cost?”

Liberal arts graduate: “Do you want fries with that?”

People can be placed in one of three types:

1 Those who can count

2 Those who can’t count

Name and address supplied

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES

· The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

· Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

· Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

· A dog’s parents never visit.

· Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

· Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

· A dog will not wake you up at night to ask: “If I died, would you get another dog?”

· If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

Name and address supplied

WHAT RESTAURANT?

A group of friends, all 40-year-old women, discussed where they should meet for dinner. They decided on the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were good looking and had good bodies.

Ten years later, at 50, they once again agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and it had an excellent wine selection.

At 60, they again chose the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

And when they were all 70, they decided to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and it even had a lift.

When all of the friends were 80, they decided to have dinner at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Name and address supplied

BILL AND BEN

In a field, Bill is digging holes and Ben is filling them in. After nine holes, I asked them why. Bill said: “There are normally three of us, but the one who plants the trees called in sick this morning”.

Yesterday, a beggar called out to me: “Any change mate?”?

I replied: “No, I’ve still got a big car, a stunning wife and a gorgeous house. But thanks for asking”.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Chiropodist

Time wounds all heels

Septic tank truck

Yesterday’s meals on wheels

Plumber’s van

We repair what your husband fixed

Another plumber’s van

Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber

Outside a church

Seven days without God makes one weak

Tyre fitters

Invite us to your next blowout

Towing company

We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows…

Electrician’s van

Let us remove your shorts

Maternity ward door

Push. Push. Push.

Optician

If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Fence

Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

Car dealer

The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment

Car exhaust fitters

No appointment necessary. We hear you coming

Vet

Back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Restaurant window

Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

Name and address supplied

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

· Your last name stays put.

· The garage is all yours.

· Wedding plans take care of themselves.

· Chocolate is just another snack.

· You can never be pregnant.

· You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

· You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

· Car mechanics tell you the truth.

· The world is your urinal.

· You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too “icky”.

· You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

· Same work, more pay.

· Wrinkles add character.

· People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

· New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

· One mood all of the time.

· Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

· A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

· You can open all your own jars.

· If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

· Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.

· Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

· You almost never have strap problems in public.

· You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

· Everything on your face stays its original colour.

· The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

· You only have to shave your face and neck.

· You can play with toys all your life.

· You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

· You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

· You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24^thin 25 minutes.

Name and address supplied

STATION ANNOUNCEMENTS

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train”

“Please let the passengers off the train first...

Please let the passengers off the train first...

Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...

Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care. I’m going home.”

“Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3.15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there’s no need to adjust your watches.”

Courtesy of Moneysavingexpert.com