The things they say...
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WHEN KIDS KNOW BETTER
Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America.”
Maria: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”
Class: “Maria.”
Teacher: “Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’”
Glenn: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A L.”
Teacher: “No, that’s wrong.”
Glenn: “Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.”
Teacher: “Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?”
Donald: “H I J K L M N O.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Donald: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”
Teacher: “Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have 10 years ago.”
Winnie: “Me!”
Teacher: “Glen, why do you always get so dirty?”
Glen: “Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”
Teacher: “Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’”
Millie: “I is.. .”
Teacher: “No, Millie.....always say, ‘I am.’”
Millie: “All right...’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”
Teacher: “Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?”
Clyde: “No, sir. It’s the same dog.”
Teacher: “Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Harold: “A teacher.”
Jack Forde
WEARING WELL
Wife: “If I died, would you get married again?”
Husband: “I don’t see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you’d want me to be happy again, wouldn’t you?”
Wife: “Yes, I suppose. If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?”
Husband: “I suppose I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours.”
Wife: “Darling, would you let her wear my shoes?”
Husband: “Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes.”
Wife: “Darling, would you let her use my new golf clubs?”
Husband: “Of course not, she’s left-handed.”
Celebrities My ----, by Ricky Tomlinson (Sphere)
PHONE HOME
After digging to a depth of 100m, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1,000 years and concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network.
Not to be outdone, American scientists dug down 200m and newspapers reported: “US scientists have found traces of 2,000-year-old optical fibres and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1,000 years earlier than the Russians.”
One week later, the Scottish press reported: “After digging as deep as 500m, Scottish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.”
Name and address supplied
THEY ALSO VOTE
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she’d got on her weekend drive to the cost. She drove down in a convertible but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”
When we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain, my friend said: “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
Name and address supplied
LETTER LANGUAGE
In a survey of 300-plus company directors, nearly all said acronyms and “initialisms” have confused them and three-quarters believe there are too many.
Here are some examples:
ABM Another Bloody Meeting
AZB Assume Zero Budget
BUM Business Unit Manager
DREAM Don’t Really Expect Any Money
FAC F------ Awkward Client
FLK Funny Looking Kid)
FLKw/GLM Funny Looking Kid with Good-Looking Mother
GDA Gonna Die Anyway
GITS Global IT Simplification),
HMF Hysterical Mother Figure
LOMBARD Lots of Money But A Right D---
NIMTO Not In My Term of Office
SNT Stuff’s Not There
SPOC Single Point of Contact)
TLA Three Letter Acronym
TUBE Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination
Helen Glanville
The Aziz Corporation
MISCELLANY
Customer: “How much do Windows cost?”
Tech support: “Windows costs about £100.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s expensive. Can I buy just one window?”
Science graduate: “Why does it work?”
Engineering graduate: “How does it work?”
Accounting graduate: “How much will it cost?”
Liberal arts graduate: “Do you want fries with that?”
People can be placed in one of three types:
1. Those who can count
2. Those who can’t count
Name and address supplied
MARKETING GAFFES
These examples are from a study of marketing mistakes.
The American beer Coors used the slogan “Turn it loose”, but when the phrase was translated into Spanish, it read “Suffer from diarrhoea.”
Clairol launched the “mist stick” curling iron in Germany. In German, mist is slang for manure.
Cue was the name of Colgate’s new toothpaste. It is also the title of an adult magazine.
Pepsi used the slogan “come alive with the Pepsi generation”. When translated into Chinese, it read “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”.
Parker Pen’s Mexican ads for a new ballpoint pen were supposed to read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. A translation error made it say “it won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.
Name and address supplied
