SWEET CALL

A few years ago, Britain dispatched a new ambassador to Washington.  Soon after he arrived, his secretary received a call from The Washington Post, asking to speak to the new ambassador.
The ambassador told his secretary that he was far too busy to speak to a newspaper reporter.  However, the reporter continued calling, only to be fobbed off by the ambassador, who by now was becoming very irritated by the daily calls.
Finally, he asked his secretary to find out what it was the reporter actually wanted to speak to him about.  It appeared that the Post wanted to know what the ambassador wanted for Christmas.  Without giving it much thought, he told his secretary to tell them he just wanted a box of sugar coated bonbons.
The next day The Washing Post ran the following story.  It had asked every ambassador based in Washington, if they could have anything for Christmas, what would they want?
The French ambassador had said he would like peace in the Middle East.  The German ambassador said he would like an end to world famine – and the British ambassador had said he would like a box of sugar coated bonbons.

David Emin, director of advertising at Mirror Group Newspapers (quoted in Media Week), on returning calls


ONE LINERS

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me: ‘Can you give me a lift?’  I said: ‘Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.’”
Tim Vine

“Where there's a will, there's a relative.”
Ricky Gervais

“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.  She said: ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’  I said: ‘All right, but we're not going to get much done.’”
Jimmy Carr

“They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people.  But I think the guns help.”
Eddie Izzard

“I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out: ‘I've already got one!’”
Norman Lovett

What is Amy Winehouse’s favourite tube station?
High Barnet.

What is orange and fizzy and comes down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Fanta Claus.

Various sources


VODKA TWIST

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after drinking a litre of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules.  Passengers had to wait an additional 20 minutes while a woman used all of her shampoo and bottled water rather than surrender them to security personnel.

Reported by Associated Press, Berlin


WORSE VERSE

Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed
Then I went to heaven
But only in my dream
Up there, St Peter met me
Standing at the pearly gates
He said: “I must check your record
Please stand here and wait.”
He turned and said: “Your record
Is covered with terrible flaws
On earth I see you rallied
For every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol
And smoked and used drugs too
Fact is you're done everything
A good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin.”
Then he read the last of my record
Took my hand and said: “come in”
He lead me up to the big boss and said:
“Take him in and treat him well.
He used to work in a call centre
He's done his time in hell”

Name and address supplied


HELP YOURSELF

Thank you for calling.  If you have a touch-tone phone, please choose from one of the following options:

To make a withdrawal from your bank account, press 1.

To make a withdrawal from someone else’s bank account, press 2.

If you have the details of someone else’s bank account, but have forgotten their mother’s maiden name, press 3.

If you need help with details of someone else’s bank account, please hold and an operator will be with you shortly

Unknown source


MIND CHANGE

A husband and wife were dining at an exclusive country club when a stunning young woman came to their table, gave the husband a kiss, said she would see him later and walked off.
His wife glared at him and said: “Who was that?”
Her husband replied: “Oh, she's my mistress.”
And she said: “Well, that’s the last straw.  I've had enough.   I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”
Husband: “I can understand that.  But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Florida, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Bentleys in the garage and no more country club.  And we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes.  But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
The wife asked: “Who's that with Jim?”
Husband: “That's his mistress.”
Wife: “Ours is prettier.”

Unknown source


TRIFLE ODD

Two men are lost in the Sahara desert, desperate for water.  Then they chance upon a village where it’s market day.
At the first stall they ask to buy water and the stall holder says: “I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.”
At the next stall, they are told: “Sorry, but I only sell custard.”
“Custard?” one of the men says to the other.  “What kind of place is this?”
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told: "Sorry, but I only sell jelly.”
Hearing this, one of the men turns to the other and says: “This is a trifle bazaar.”

Name and address supplied


FLAT OUT

Real notes from flatmates:

“Could someone explain why my door has magically come off its hinges and lying in the middle of my room?”

“When I said you could clean the kitchen, I didn’t mean for you to paint it.  You have just painted over everything, including all the dirt, in white emulsion.  It looks like a blizzard!
“Do you not know how to clean, ‘cos this isn’t the normal way.  The paint is already coming off the tiles and the oven hood.  I am going home for the weekend, so could you try and sort it out?”

“The washing up you didn’t do is in your bed.”

“Here’s a stamp.  Write to your mum.  She keeps calling.”

From I Lick My Cheese and Other Notes from the Frontline of Flat-sharing, by Oonagh O’Hagan (Sphere £9.99)