TIME TRAVEL

On some airports, the Air Force is on one side and civilian aircraft on the other with the control tower in the middle.
One day, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking: “What time is it?”
The tower responded: “Who is calling?”
Pilot: “What difference does in make?”
Tower: “It makes a lot of difference…
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is three o’clock.
If it is an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is six bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the three
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to happy hour.”

Waiter: “Tea or coffee, ladies?”
First customer: “I’ll have tea.”
Second customer: “Me, too.  And be sure the cup is clean!”
(Waiter exits, returns.)
Waiter: “Two teas.  Who asked for the clean cup?”

Jennifer Stewart


BIRD TALK

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs £250."
The man asked: "Why does that parrot cost so much?"
The owner replied: "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs £500 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs £1,000."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied: "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Dan Miller


IF LIFE WERE LIKE A COMPUTER

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

Names and address supplied


WORK IT OUT

What WORKLOAD really stands for:

Where’s my coffee?
Order my files
Re-calculate my fuel allowance
Keep it in miles
Let’s have a meeting
Order some food
Ask nicely, please sir
Don’t you think it’s rude?

Write several letters
Or should I do this next?
Reports or that presentation,
Keep asking for the text.
Liaise with the HR manager,
Or call accounts staff
All before five-thirty
Do you think you’re having a laugh?

Kathleen Jones


PATENTLY OBVIOUS

I went to the Patent Office trying to register one of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
Is said: “A folding bottle.”
She said: “OK.  What do you call it.”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said: “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by here comments that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

Dick Carbutt, a Newsnight viewer, quoted by Gavin Esler


MODEM MOAN

A caller rang to say that his laptop worked flawlessly while in the docking station at the office but at home it only worked for an hour or so and then died.
Tech support: "Is it plugged in the mains OK?"
Caller: "Yes."
Tech support: "Is the mains adaptor light on?"
Caller: "It doesn't have one -- just the cable to connect it to the phone."
Tech support: "No, that's the modem.  You should have another lead with a plug to connect the laptop to the mains power."
Caller: "I don't need one of those, though, do I?"
Tech support: "You do if you want to work for longer than the batteries will last."
Caller: "Oh. I thought that was what the modem was for -- to download more electricity from the office."

Name and address supplied


SHINY, SHINY DAY

Tech support: "OK, let's put your operating system disk in the drive."
Caller: "OK...which way does it go in?"
Tech support: "The shiny side faces down."
Caller: "All right...um...which way is down."
Tech support: (rolling eyes) "Towards the floor."
Caller: "Ah...so what way does the other side face?"
Tech support: "Are you joking?"
Caller: (outraged) "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, OK?  That's why I called you!"
Tech support: "OK, that side faces down too."

Name and address supplied


PAPER PLAY

Our assistant said: "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
His boss said: "Just use copier machine paper".
With that, he took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Name and address supplied


ROAD WARRIOR

Caller: "My dial up is not working."
Tech support: "Well, what kind of error are you getting?"
Caller: "Well, I'm not exactly sure, but it tells me my personal identification is wrong."
Tech support: "OK, I need you to open up the program."
Caller: "Hold on a second. [Fumbling around.]  OK, I got it open.  Sorry, I have the computer on the seat next to me, and I'm driving."
Tech support: "Uh.  Well, you should really pull off the road, and we need the modem plugged into a phone line."
Caller: "OK, I'll pull off at this petrol station, but I'm not sure if I can hook up to the pay phone."
Tech support: "That's not going to work.  Can you call us back when you are at an ordinary phone line?"
Caller: "Oh, sure, I can call you back when I get home.  But can I at least check my email while I'm on the road?"

Name and address supplied